Seek not water, seek thirst.

The past that I let go.

2011-12-13T18:35:00.000Z

Often letting go of the past is the best decision to make. But sometimes those bad decisions that you made in the past crop up in your memory and you yearn the good moments that you took for granted which no longer exist. It's horrible this feeling.

I miss this certain person in my life, I know I have lost a lot of important people in my life due to my own stupid mistakes but this person I miss more than ever. Because she still exists in my life, I still talk to her, she's there, she's still my "friend" but we've lost each other. We are no longer the same because I was selfish and only saw how I should have been treated. If only I was more understanding.
I wish I could say this to her, I wish I could tell her that I miss her and that I am so sorry and that I love her more than I can ever explain. I wish I could tell her that there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of her.

It sounds weird, right?
I'll elaborate a little;

We were as close can be, would tell each other every little thing (even the icky personal stuff) but we were more different than different can be. She was this confident but family-orientated person. I, a more inward being and much less obsessed with the "idea" of family. We clashed but merged into this beautiful burst of colours which lit up each others lives despite all the darkness we clawed through together.

Then one day she moved away, permanently. Our bond seemed to loosen because we both became so engrossed in our own lives. We didn't talk much because we just did not have time. And when we met months later, we had both somehow changed. We had somehow managed to emerge out of the cocoon we had both shaded one another with and I think now that the only reason we were different was because we were and are incomplete without one another. We were so confused and lost control, the bond we had knotted and kneaded for years had now loosened, we did not have the strength to hold on any longer, we forgot to put knots on either side and make this bond strong and tight. It snapped, ripped, broke, collapsed, destructed me.. her?

You see, sometimes we make things up in our mind, we expect a situation but get something else and feel betrayed, wiswasas from the shaytaan. When in reality if we just have a little more patience the world would sing songs of harmony all day long. But we ourselves like destruction, not intentionally and not the idea of it but the road. Somehow we find that turn the best to take, that road the easiest to cross. Humans.

I'm sorry sis. Years pass by without saying a word. When I'm old and wrinkly will you hold my hand and tell me it is okay to be afraid? Will you be there to say "I'm the more beautiful one even though I'm 90 and you're 83"?

Long lost ties

2011-11-07T14:01:00.000Z

I have no connection yet I am so connected.
Ties broke so long ago, yet still un-broken.
You are but a mere reflection
Yet exist in my mind as a complete depiction
Of what was, what could be.
Who are you?
Who were we?

Were you the scent that passed by
then immersed within the coolings of a wet sky
Or were you the memory which lasted so long
In a grip of a hand, in a right so wrong?

I know you are here, but I know you are not
Why so cruel, why so far yet so near.

You do not exist
And yet you do
Two intertwine but without I
So I accept both truths and I let go of my wish
To make you him because I would never wish for him to be you.

Homeless..

2011-09-20T14:26:00.002+01:00

What exactly is the meaning of homesick? A rather unusual coinage of words, one isn't homesick rather homeless. Because home is made of family and friends. I'm homeless.

'Itikaf, the spiritual retreat

2011-08-20T03:21:00.000+01:00

Bismillah

As the last ten days of Ramadhan approach and blessed and chosen people sit in seclusion with the intention to stay in a constant remembrance and praise of Allah Azza Wa Jal and send salutations upon our beloved Sayyidna Khalq (SallAllahuAlayhiWaSallam), I ponder over the significance of this spiritual retreat. And a beautiful poem of Sayyidna Rumi (RaheemAllah) comes to mind;

What is worth more: a crowd of thousands or your own genuine solitude?
Power over an entire kingdom - or freedom?
A little while alone in your room will prove more valuable
than anything else that could ever be given to you.

May Allah bless us with the tawfeeq to stay in a constant state of 'itikaaf, ameen Ya Rab Ya Rab Ya Rab.

LailaHaillAllah

From Shaam to Misr yet still in Manchester

2011-08-20T00:29:00.000+01:00

Bismillah.

Since second year began I had been 100% sure that Syria was where I wanted to spend my year abroad. All my planning (mostly in my mind and between me and Shaykh Google) was based around Damascus; apartments, costs, people, food, weather etc.

And then the riots broke out in Tunisia, to which I did not give much of my attention. And the situation in the Middle East escalated, the Egyptian wave stood tall and fell on Mubarak dragging him down into the depths of its bed. This still did not achieve my attention; "In sha Allah everything will be okay, this stuff is always going on".
When the violence hit Syria, I did not shake, even now I am too far to feel. People dying. It's a cliche right? But people are dying. Yes, we all are. No, people are dying. OK. Innocent people are being slaughtered. They are being treated like animals. People, children alike are being murdered in masses. Murdered in public and we, we don't flinch. Cos' you know, people die everyday, what's new?
We say people as if we are a separate entity, as if we are a superior species to the ones being "murdered" cos you know somehow they "deserved" it. We, we're not doing anything you know, sitting at home minding our own business but these people they go out and you know they ask for it, they "fight" for their country and their people and their freedom but WE already have it all so we don't have to sacrifice, we just get the regular income and pour it down the drain on monthly debits. That's what we do thus our life is more precious. We deserve to live more because we give less.

Sheesh. The more people die, the more immortal we become.
I don't think I feel anymore, you know? I think my heart's encompassed this sort of numbness such that when I hear of a horrific incident I feel this pressure in my qalb but it does not expand. It's just pressure and within a mili-second I move one from shock-horror-Allah to ha-ha-has.

What have we come to? A platform upon which we stand, in unity, pointing fingers at the oppressed, the dead, justifying the oppressor, the murdered. It is so easy to murder now, get a good education, preferably in law, get into politics and go on a rampage. No court trials, no criticism, you were defending the country.

It's nationalism, right?! Pathetic patriotic attitude which, sorry to say, really has nothing to with you being human. We've associated these ideas with ourselves and stitched them to the marrows of our bones. The country for which you show so much valour and pride doesn't even exist. It's all one, these borders mean nothing, this world is round for a reason.

Seriously, there's a puzzle game out there which better contains the understanding of nationalism and it's called jigsaw. The pieces fit depending on power.

I'm so frustrated, so angered and I sit here thinking to myself that, SubhanAllah, does my heart deserve to beat anymore?

Long gone.

2011-08-13T01:31:00.000+01:00

Simple days
Innocent days
Childhood&teenage days
Lazy days&fun days
Naughty days&runaway days
Dance&live your life days
You're my best friend, you're not days
I love you days&I dream days
Silent days&senseless days
Silly days&messy days
Ill days&lollipop days
Eat days&smile days
Mum days&dad days
School days&trip days
Teachers days&bank holi-days
Live days&forgive days
Cry days&forget days
Lost days&found days
Strong days&pick me up days
Selfless days&honest days
Hope days&blind faith days
Help days&heal the world days
I miss these days
These long gone days.

UK Riots 2011

2011-08-10T00:13:00.001+01:00

A famous poem comes to mind amidst this chaos;

"If a child lives with criticism,
he learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility,
he learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule,
he learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame,
he learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance,
he learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement,
he learns confidence.
If a child lives with praise,
he learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness,
he learns justice.
If a child lives with security,
he learns to have faith.
If a child lives with approval,
he learns to like himself.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship,
He learns to find love in the world."

- Dorothy Law Nolte

There is always a cause, who will take responsibility? One must look within, admit and rectify their own faults in order to find a solution. The government has to acknowledge, that somewhere they have gone wrong; the youth is a shadow of their own shortcomings and they must take responsibility.

Khayr Min Allah

2011-08-07T14:02:00.002+01:00

"Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself and know that everything in this life has a purpose, there are no mistakes, no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from."

- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Ramadhan Karim!

2011-08-05T13:37:00.000+01:00

Assalaam Alaykum,

Ramadhan Karim, I pray that you all benefit from this blessed gift in a way that will only increase your weight on yawm al qiyamah not in this world ;). I recall a lecture of Shaykh Hamza Yusuf's (May Allah preserve him and elevate his rank) in which he mentioned that there will be fat, fat men - obese men - who will come forth on the day of judgement but will not weight a single ounce. He mentioned that once a man was climbing a tree and all the men around started laughing at this man because he had scrawny, skinny legs. The Prophet SAW told them to stop laughing, that on the day of judgement this mans legs will weigh so much more than all of you (paraphrased).

So let's all pray to Allah SWT that in this blessed month we increase our weight for yawm al qiyamah, ameen.

Please remember me and my family in your duas.

Wassalaam Alaykum Wa Rehmatullah

A blast from the not-so-long-ago past

2011-04-18T20:27:00.000+01:00

"The way is open for you and that is a sign"

In dire need of dua's - please xx

All that remains...

2011-02-24T00:51:00.001Z

You smile and sway
No longer do you remain
I see you everyday
We smile and gaze
But silently
Often a tear falls, peacefully
Always from the depths of my sighs
Never from your fixated eyes

We talk once or twice, in a week
No longer do you remain
You prance around in my mind
I've captured you
But no longer do you remain

It's me and it's you
I am lost and you are losing me
We saw so much
Now we are but chords, never played
The lyrics of the song, never sung
The beat of the heart, never lived

Do you feel that breeze?
Do you see that tree?
I am you, why do you then bleed?
Remember that touch?
Under the trees
When the breeze was strong
When I grazed my knees
And you fainted when you saw my blood.

I like where I am
I'll deal with the bye when the good comes
But I know you will leave
Though you stayed when I went
You watched as the thorns tugged deep in my veins
I let another hurt but I promise I won't move now
It's me and it's you
And no matter what they say;
You'll always remain

No matter what they say;
I'll always stay.

Death Certificate

2010-12-31T01:16:00.001Z

I was searching for something yesterday, general paperwork in my mother's folders, when I came across two "certificates". It's the first time in my life that I had ever seen those "certificates" and something inside of me kind of itched. I say itch because I feel I have somewhat overcome that initial and extensively overshadowing emotion of despair, of confusion, pain and hurt. They seem like clichés not just in the figurative sense but even when placed in the context of my personal life. I have over-used these emotions. So much so that I am sick and tired of it myself. So I'd like to settle for itch - it makes me feel a little less repetitive, and not only that but also a little more honest.

The word "certificate", due to its connotations, seemed a little insensitive to me and yes I know, as my friend so obviously stated, it doesn't mean "an award or something" but just to "vouch for something in writing". To certify that this person has died. Name. Signature. Date. Folder. Dust. History.

She died on the Ninth of December 1998, Cardiac arrest, septicaemia, chronic renal failure treated by as a result of haemodialysis, primary oxalosis, liver transplant.
He died on the Eighth of June 2000, Intracranial haemorrhage, thrombocytopenia and acute myeloid leukaemia.

Yesterday was the first time, in over a decade, that I had ever seen those "certificates" and really read, researched and understood what caused their deaths. My sister and brother.

I used to ponder, all the time, what it would be like if my brother was alive. Whenever a bad situation arose or a nice occasion passed by. How would it be if they were in this moment?
But soon and recently I came to acknowledge that these moments were not for them. They weren't to be in them because that is what Allah had willed. So my imagination was in fact an immature attempt to make sense of it all.

When my sister died I was very young and nothing really made sense at that time; my memory is terribly fuzzy. All I remember is that I was given a bedtime stories book, which I still have, at the time of her death. She had bought it for me as a gift for Christmas and it was found amongst her belongings.
My brother was my rock. He was there for me through and through and so the grief was easy to let go and forget. A child busied in play forgets why they were ever even crying. And so I forgot. I played and did nothing else. Homework? Oh I was far too precious for my brother to have a pen slip through my fingers. My brother did all my homework. And friends? I didn't have time for them, I was busy playing with my brother. And then when I lost him I had to do my homework. I had to play alone. And alone did I become.

I still have the coat he gifted me, the chair he would always sit on, the chadar he would wear, the little mickey mouse keyring we both won when we entered a cereal box competition, the cd player he gave my mother on mothers' day and amongst all of these treasure, I still have his voice in my mind, his touch, his smile, the games we played and the lessons he taught me - the jokes we had.
When I look in the mirror, I smile a little because strangely enough, I see him. I see him in me. He resides within me like a heart once resonating but now silence - not a single beat to be heard. Yet it never lets go of the body; the two remain connected. Unlike the soul which leaves with the beat the moment the last breath exhales.

A few years ago I wrote a poem, all anger vented out - the once blank canvas now tainted with shallowness, frustration, a child's plead;

I’ll be OK
The silence of the room echoes in my ears
The whiteness haunts me and builds this fear
And you; lying there. Not a care in the world
Yet the pain on your face visible without words
I cried and I begged and I begged and I cried
Yet you lay there smothered in your careless pride
You abandoned me amongst strangers
And stabbed me like a vengeful traitor
The thought of never seeing you again, never holding your hand and feeling the roughness of your comforting skin, nor hearing the calmness in your soothing voice or seeing that golden brown beard like Velcro stuck on your chin; frightens me.
“Tickle me” “Tickle me” “I beg you please tickle me” that was my one selfish plea.
One by one your memories faded
I began to feel as if I was hated
Never played badminton again nor laughed the laugh I laughed when you were with me.
I tried replacing you. Twice; failed, stopped trying.
Did all my homework on my own; satisfactory, carried on trying.
I always imagine you looking down at me frowning.
I look back up and wish I was dying.
I have one last plea; a hug. To tell me I’ll be ok.
Come back for that one last hug and I promise you I’ll be ok.

Now, when I read this poem, I laugh a little. How immature, how very full of anger and pride I was and still am - SubhanAllah. Indeed, no one can argue that his death had affected me but it wasn't just me, it was him and everyone else. So why then had I painted such a self-centered outburst? What an unfair and selfish piece of writing that was. How utterly despicable and desperate. Desperate - to be heard? To be understood? To squeeze out every inch of pain.in the most coarse of manners - ignorant to my surroundings.

And I was wrong, horribly wrong. I am surrounded by so much love - not by strangers. He was not a traitor, he was my closest companion. He was my best friend, my brother, father; my everything. I do not wish for him to come back, I pray that I meet him in paradise. That I talk to him, play with him again. I miss him but I yearn for him no more. Life is too precious and too short, we can't spend a single moment pondering over what could have been, what should have been. What happened, happened. It was Allah's decree, accept it, respect it and move on. Don't shun it. Don't waste time in despair. Act and act now so that what you work and wish and pray for you get when you wake to the hereafter. There is more to every situation than meets the eye - everything that happens does indeed happen for a reason. And instead of wasting time indulged in long sighs and utterances of "why?" and "if only..." one should endeavour to comprehend the reason, wisdom behind what has happened and not let it pass in vain but learn from it and let it have a positive effect on ourselves.

I certify that my beloved sister and brother passed away from a facade of a life into the life of reality. And that was Allah the Most High's decree. I accept it, I respect it and I pay gratitude that He blessed me with their company and I further pray, plead and beg to Him that He forgives them their sins, takes away their punishments, elevates their ranks, opens their graves up wide blessing it with a beautiful scent, opening within - the window of paradise, grants them Jannatul Firdaus and on the day of judgement raises them with the awliya - in the company of the Best of Creations - the Beloved of Allah (saw) and blesses us in unison, drinking from His well - Al-Kawthar. He who is in the company of the Beloved (saw) is in the company of Allah. Ameen Ya Rabb, Ameen Ya Latif!

Remember us in your duas,

wassalaam.

Left behind yet moving along, where am I?

2010-12-15T23:19:00.001Z

My dear friend, oft mentioned as "Ultimate dude", has gone on holiday for about a month. And I already miss her, ever so much. And it's weird because lately I've been having that feeling.We've all had that feeling, when someone we know is going on holiday, we feel left behind. We want to go too, even if it's for a weekend or a week, it feels depressing that we're in the same place yet others are flying away.

This is just a mere portrayal of our attitudes, on a whole, towards life - towards growing up.
My "growing-up" journey has just recently begun I believe, because never before have I felt such pangs of anguish when reminiscing. I've finally understood my memories. And both the good and bad recollections bring about a sense of gratification in me, for I feel blessed that I was within them, I was a part of them and now they are a part of me.

Every incident that occurred and every joyous occasion that brought me delight, I have to cherish for they shaped my being. I am who I am because of all that I have experienced. Pretty much like the butterfly effect - one slight change would probably change, completely, who I am.

But the agony that builds in my heart every growing moment in my life, is the agony of realisation, that I am no longer a child. No longer wrapped in a bubble nor safe-guarded by my child-like innocence. I'm vulnerable. Because now I understand the pains and sufferings, now I see them, now I see those people and know their stories. It's not green grass or blue sky any more. It's dark, day and night, winter and summer, here and there.

And I see people, some happy; elevating whereas others lost and derailed. And I feel somewhat displaced. Where am I living? Why are people happy, when others aren't?

I am not moving, I am stationary. Others don't even know where they are going. And then there are those who are flying away. And here I am with all those lost souls. But I want to fly away too. I want this heartache to stop settling down in me; it's getting too comfortable.

I have such an amazing life, but I feel guilty that I do and even more guilty for I want more.
And this post full of ramblings from an obvious sinner is despicable. Here I am complaining on my laptop, sitting in my warm bed, with my phone by my side and a glass of water. I've just come out of a warm bath, had a nice chat with my mum and will be getting up early tomorrow to go shopping with her.

I have too much, so much that I should be one of the happiest people in this world; but I am not. Why? Because I want more. And when I get more I will want more and more and more. My desires are ceaseless. And they are leading me into a life and afterlife of emptiness. Unless and until I realise this truth, that none of the things I am constantly running after will bring me happiness. Nothing we expect from this world will ever make us happy. Nothing.

Our minds need to deviate from these expectations, hopes, desires and fears. How? By remembering Allah, for when we remember Him, He remembers us. We need to engage in worship of Him. We need to constantly send blessings and praise upon the best of His creations (saw). And every trouble we are faced with, we need to turn to Allah from it. He places a burden upon us in order that we bear it out of love for Him. And if we criticise and shun that burden, we gain nothing - our situation does not change unless we ask of Him. That is why we are in the state we are in. We forget Allah. It's easy to remember when having a chat or when happy. But to constantly think of Him, to constantly draw closer towards him with every hardship is the real duty. And until we realise that duty and fulfil it, we will bemoan and live a wretched life.

Ultimate happiness is gained from the Divine, the Most High.

I am not left behind, Allah is watching me and as He is the best of planners I must have reliance upon Him to give me the ability, the tawfeeq to be placed on that one way flight towards Him. No other destination in mind besides Allah.

Where am I? I am on a path and I raise my hands to the sky and ask of the Lord that he grants me strength of Iman, taqwa, ihsan and yaqeen to follow this path in its entirety in order to reach Him and please Him and glorify Him and be with Him and His beloved (saw) eternally.

Keep me in your duas,

Wassalaam.

For the children, the noor of our eyes, living in fear

2010-12-07T00:08:00.006Z

It's all gonna be okay
Just close your eyes
And I'll take you away
Then when you wake in the morning
There'll be sunshine again
And the green grass will tickle your feet
Petals will caress your blessed face
And the warm breeze will play with your hair
Just close your eyes
It's all gonna be okay
I promise, I promise I'll take the pain away
I'll wrap you in my warmth
And my love will envelop you
We'll sing lullabies
And dance under the sunshine
We'll talk till we become speechless
Laugh till we become breathless
We'll cry till we're painless
And pray till we're fearless
We'll raise our hands
And bow our heads
We'll ask for forgiveness
And not worry about the rest
Now open your eyes, slowly, open your eyes
Do you see where we are?
The rivers are flowing, petals are floating
The sun is shining, winds are blowing
Look around my dear, rejoice;
For here we are, here we stand
No veil, no darkness, no distance
Light upon light
Here we breathe, by God's side.

I seek refuge in the honour and the power of Allah (SWT) from the mischief of the pain which I feel and fear...

2010-11-09T00:06:00.007Z

It is reported by Abu Sa'id al-Khudri (RA) that the beloved Prophet (upon him be peace and blessings of Allah) said, "Whenever a Muslim is afflicted with hardship, sickness, sadness, worry, harm or depression - even a thorn's prick, Allah expiates his sins because of it."

A week or so after Ramadhan my mother had broken her rib on her left side. It was a scary experience and her health was not so well as it was. She has osteoporosis (brittle bones) so a little weakness can cause her bones to break easily. I suppose the lack of food in her diet due to fasting may have caused this weakness. Alhamdulillah she began to heal and was feeling better. Although working, the way she began to, was not the right thing to do - she was still in a lot of pain especially at nights.
So today was our second fast for dhul hijjah and everything was fine Alhamdulillah, I must admit I forgot that my mother's diet may be affected by fasting, especially after what had just happened recently. So anyway it was the evening, my sister had just gone home with her children, I was upstairs working and my mother started clearing things up downstairs (kids make an awful lot of mess). She bent down to pick something up when again, her rib cracked. I heard her crying and ran downstairs. I could not believe it, I was unable to control my own tears for I knew all the suffering she had just gone through recently and here again before my eyes my frail mother was lying on the sofa in pain, in tears, in sorrow. I felt scared, helpless.

It's horrible seeing someone you love so much so broken apart, so fragile. And it's worse, much worse, when you are in a position of helplessness.

What do you do in such a situation? Of course emotions will always get the better of you, always. But what we all need to do is have complete reliance on Allah. Complete reliance. Without this reliance, where will we be in life? Nowhere, for it is only upon Allah we can rely, it is only through dua that we can receive madad, from Allah, from his Rasool (SAW).

I just fear for my mother. Seeing her in pain causes me grief. I love her so much, I just wish I could do something for her. She is a beautiful woman, so amazing, even after she cracked her rib before letting me put anything on her or before taking anything she said "I have not read 'isha, let me pray then you can do whatever you want to". She prayed first. I applied gel, gave her medication etc., then she held her tasbih and began reading her wird. She is a magnificent woman MashAllah. May Allah bestow upon her His abundant blessings, May he bless her with shifa' and May He take all her pain and troubles away. May He cleanse her soul, purify her heart, bless her with courage and strengthen her Imaan. Ameen Ya Rabbal 'Alameen.

Please can anyone who reads this do dua' for her with a sincere heart. Jazakamullahu Khayrun.

Wasalaam

p.s. the title of this post is a dua' (not written by me) translated from Arabic.

The vision

2010-11-03T23:44:00.003Z

They say rivers flow for he who lives for the One
Alas, he seeks not the waters in these rivers
He seeks nothing within earth and in the heavens
He has what he yearns for, the vision;
In every prayer he prays
and every breath he breathes.

I'm back :)

2010-11-03T23:39:00.003Z

Assalaam Alaykum Wa Rehmatullahi Wa Barakatahu,

It has been a while now since I've posted anything.
But don't be fooled my dear comrades, a lot has happened.
Much more than one could imagine, really.
Let's sum it up.

I went on Umrah, came back.
Passed my first year of Uni.
Passed my driving test.
Decided not to take Arabic.
Brother convinced me "Shaykh Hamza Yusuf says you should study Arabic at University"
I take Arabic.
I dread going back.
I take Buddhism as a module.
I go back.
And the Arabic teacher's on maternity leave so our new "substitute" is so kind.
She's generous
She's patient and she cares.
I'm loving the learning process.
[A lot of other stuff happens in the middle but is better not told]
Then I have another "awakening"
And I take a huge step.
A huge change in my life.
One that has changed me completely.

One that has given me the Ultimate Goal in life to aim for.
It's given me the one thing all Muslims should be striving for.
A single path amidst the million others, some parallel to mine, some diverse.
And that path is leading me to the "Ultimate Goal" the "ULTIMATE GOAL"

What is that Ultimate Goal?
We strive and yearn for so much in life. For food, for money, for jobs, for fame, for love, for family, for honour, for beauty and all for what? These are all perishable concepts. Perishable desires we continuously run towards, aim for and beg for. Why? It's almost laughable, our state is... no not laughable, worrying.
The most ironic thing is we beg our Ultimate Goal for these perishable desires.

Before going to sleep at night we set scenarios in our thick brains and we worry, how will we pay the next bill? Will I pass my exam? No one loves me! No one understands me! I'm alone! I have no one! I want that new phone! That house is so beautiful! I want to marry someone that gorgeous! I want to have a son, a daughter and a beautiful car! I want a job that pays big dough! I want to be famous, recognised! I want, want, want, need, desire!

AARGHH!

Personally I burst, after thinking all these scenarios, thinking of all that I want I got sick and tired. I felt breathless every night. I was then told to fear afterlife, hell and paradise. And I took that turn, for the sake of the beauty of paradise and the fear from hell, I started praying. And this had been my case for the past few years. But there was something wrong in what I had perceived to be "Islam" because I wasn't feeling the peace and serenity when I was praying. I still had all those desires in my mind, before I slept, when I was praying, when I was breathing every breath. Because I did not know Islam for two cents! I still don't but the difference is then I had no path, now I do. And then I believed it to be about "religion" but Islam is not a religion, Islam is not about image, it is not about what is portrayed, it's about Allah period. That is the Ultimate Goal, He is the Ultimate Goal.

I sometimes missed prayer and didn't think it to be big. I never thought on the big scale, never stepped outside the box. And I read and heard inspiring stories but nothing ever changed me spiritually. I would pray like mad one week and the next I would not look at my prayer mat. Disgusting? No, horrifying.
Horrifying that one can be so adamant on what they believe that they don't bother questioning it so. They don't elevate because they think that staying in their stationary positions is the best, they're being neutral and neutrality(moderation) will get them into paradise. Paradise, paradise, paradise!
Then one day I was hit, like one struck with a piano on their head, by my brother (who else?).
He told me to stop being so stuck up my own behind and quoted the following words;

"If I adore You out of fear of Hell, burn me in Hell!

If I adore you out of desire for Paradise,

Lock me out of Paradise.

But if I adore you for Yourself alone,

Do not deny to me Your eternal beauty."

- Sayyidati Rabi'a Basri (RA)

She was seen running through the streets one night, in one hand she was carrying a candle and in the other a jug of water. When one asked her what she was doing, she said;

"With this water I shall douse the fire of Hell, and with this candle I shall burn Paradise. They block the way to God. I do not want to worship from fear of punishment or for the promise of reward, but simply for the love of God."

Aah, that is life. It fit perfectly, for Allah had bestowed that moment of realisation or should I say "fatiha" in my life. There, then in those few seconds it took my brother to quote the words of the beloved Sufi master (May Allah have mercy on her soul) I received an opening to many treasures that eventually led me to a path which is not easy but I can see it lead to my Ultimate Goal, I can literally see it.

We all need to love, love the Beloved Prophet Muhammad (Upon Him Be Peace) and to love Him (SAW) is to love ALLAH (JJ).
We often base our love out of fear of going to hell or going to paradise and there is something wrong in that. We should fear Allah (SWT) without doubt but we should not love him for the sake of going to paradise or from fear of going to hell. Children are often given this "horror story", how paradise will be so beautiful, so peaceful so be good but if you are naughty you will burn in hell...

Is that not wrong in some sense? Should we not teach children to love rather than fear or desire? Teach them to love Muhammad (upon him be peace) and love and fear Allah (JJ), but not fear of punishment but fear for the sake of obedience. My words are empty and hollow, mere words, no practice and I may be so completely wrong and may Allah forgive me. But I feel that on the lighter level of teaching young children, not on the complex learned scholar level as I am far far from that, I do not even qualify for a student in learning forget scholarly level, that maybe we should not teach children much about heaven or hell. We should base our teachings to them (as parents/friends/cousins) on love and solely love. How we need to love and love and love. How we need to love Allah (JJ) and Muhammad (upon him be peace) and our mother, our mother, our mother, our mother, our father, our sisters and brothers, family and friends, teachers and children, women and men, close or far. We need to love the shayukh, we need to love and through love shall come practice. Through love shall come obedience and through love we shall let go of our desires.

Wassalaam.

That Girl.

2010-05-24T21:56:00.004+01:00

You know guys Alhumdillah I have such an amazing life.
Why?
I have everything I need and much more, I have the perfect mum who's the perfect friend, the lovely sister and her lovely children, a comical father and the extremely annoying yet unusually caring brothers. Of course they don't come without flaws, but we're talking about human beings here.
And then I have the most amazing of friends.
There's this one friend of mine, who's sooo special to me. You'd all envy me ever so much if you knew her and guess what? She is my best friend.
She is literally the sweetest person I have ever known, no no no the kindest, no wait the prettiest oh oh oh waiiiitttt the most graceful. Mmhmm that's the word, graceful, that's what describes her. I love her to bits she is my ultimate dude, my chicken, my little freakazoid and even though I bully the living daylights out of her I can't tell you enough, that all those little things I insult her about are actually what make her the most amazing person in this world. I want to thank her for being there for me for actually being the one person who understands me completely. You know there are aspects of my nature which no-one has ever appreciated but her and she probably doesn't know what I'm talking about but sometimes she says things to me that no-one else has ever said and understands me like no-one has ever understood.
xx

My favourite time of day...

2010-05-23T23:34:00.000+01:00

It is indeed the time after Asr and before Maghrib.
I love the summer not for the steaming hot sun that blazes in my sensitive face and makes all the blood in my body stand still within the area of my chubby cheeks forming a love heart shape on both sides! Rather due to the cooling breeze, not too strong not too timid, and the serenity it offers before Maghrib time. It's a lovely time of day, where you can just relax outside in the garden or go for a walk after a horribly tiring day more so due to the threatening heat of the naked sun!

Yes, I love summer but not in the morning!

Ok so I finished reading the rice mother and have decided no more books till I have finished my exams and am back from umrah. After which I am going to go on a reading frenzy!

Anyway my view on the rice mother, it started off great, I didn't want to put the book down but then after Mohini's death reading the book remained only a duty for me, not an enjoyment. Along with Mohini's death the book died. Don't get me wrong, it was amazingly written and the description of food was remarkable. However, the book seemed to forget it's characters and trailed off. It became much too distant. One aspect which really annoyed me was the fact that young Sevenese's story was tremendous however what exactly happened of Raja? Yes later on, much later on we find out his cobra bit him but why then had the author wasted so much of her time on the outcome of this obsession young sevenese innocently placed in Raja's heart for his gorgeous sister Mohini? If it were to end up with no action, no drama, just fate. You can't build something up so much then leave it on fate, that's like building a house, not putting a roof on it then waiting for someone to come along and break it.
I can go on but I'd rather not.
All in all, I wouldn't recommend it, why? Because it will really annoy you, this book. It really will.

Ok I'm off to sleep now.

G'nyt!

A New Road

2010-05-16T00:06:00.003+01:00

"Loss is an experience that eventually leads to a new road, to a new opportunity to think of things in a different way. Losing is not the end of everything, but merely the end of a particular way of thinking. If you fall in one place, get up again in another. That's a cardinal rule of life."

From the book "My Father's Notebook".

Goodnight lovelies!x

The book of love.

2010-05-12T23:05:00.000+01:00

Sometimes in life we witness from the most amazing to the most disastrous of events. But it all hurts much more when it's closer to home.
Often we find ourselves in situations where we don't know what to do, especially when that means being stuck between two people you love. What's worse is that your own past mistakes have brought you into this very horrid situation and even though you've realised your mistakes and rectified them and repented for them, they still occured and every action has a consequence. So no matter how much you change and repent for your actions, the consequences are no more in your control. We learn from our mistakes but we must also acknowledge that often our mistakes can't simply be ignored no matter how much we try to forget and move on.

So what do you do? I simply don't know. But I know this, this feeling is eating me away. And that I pray to Allah that the two people I love more than life itself somehow find a way to understand one another, not for my sake but for their own. Because standing in the middle I know that it's all just petty misunderstandings but I don't have the ability to convey my understanding fully to either and it hurts because I am standing here with the solution in my hands rotting away.

الحمد لله

2010-05-11T17:38:00.001+01:00

It's over!
Alhumdillah, my Arabic oral exam went really well :)
They asked me what I did last weekend and I said I went to visit a friend in Edinburgh, they asked what did you do there, I replied "We went shopping and I ate errmmm errr err a banana..." My teacher was laughing, literally.

Oh dear.

But Alhumdillah, it was good!

Now I can finally relax :)

Quote of the day;
"Never have I dealt with anything more difficult than my own soul, which sometimes helps me and sometimes opposes me." Imam Al-Ghazali

Panic Room.

2010-05-10T23:28:00.002+01:00

I've been stuck in my room all day, quite literally and it's appalling how I've only just managed to answer all the questions, I MIGHT be asked in the oral exam tomorrow, in the last hour or so. I've spent the entire day staring outside of my window, seeing the morning sky turn dull and duller till the evening sky has decided to envelop all and increase a sense of realisation, or should I say fear, in my heart that I've run out of time. And then boof, the butterflies attack!
It's 11pm and I haven't even practiced any of it. I don't even know how the questions will sound tomorrow, do du'a for me.. please? Someone? Anyone?

I actually love looking out of my window, the trees standing upright, majestically, modestly, looking over all the cars driving by and it depicts the reality of life. We humans are in such a hurry to do that, go there, do this, that we don't even have time to stop and appreciate all that is around us, all that defines us. Nature laughs at us and we continue on parading through life as if we are all that mattered.

Tusbahoun 'Ala Khayr

Dedicated to the ultimate dude - صديقتي

2010-05-10T18:44:00.000+01:00

I came across this picture and thought of you.

Hahaha, let's just say Insha'Allah ;) x

Allah is watching.

2010-05-10T12:30:00.000+01:00

"The word trust contains an ocean of meaning, but underneath it all is the sense of responsibility, the sense of having to appear before Allah and to account for one's actions." Muhammad Al Ghazali. Think before you act, Allah is watching. :)

First Post!

2010-05-09T22:26:00.001+01:00

Salaam everyone :) It's been a while since I've blogged, but for some bizarre reason I had this strong feeling today of just writing something, even if it's nothing! You know, before going to sleep at night we ponder over our day and it's funny how much we think about life. What about afterlife? It frightens me how cooped up I am about my future, for Allah alone knows if I even have one? This may just be my final moment in this life yet instead of dedicating it to the rememberance of the One, I'm procrastinating, not revising for my oral exam, creating this blog and typing up this post. If only I could understand the true terror of yawm-al-qiyamah, maybe I'd be the better muslim I wish I was striving to become. Anyway, I'm not going to go too deep in my first post, will spill the errs of my heart in some other post over the next few days/months/years with Allah's will! Till then, if anyone is reading this, do du'a I pass my Arabic Oral exam on tuesday!

Salaam.